Here within recent years, the term default parenting has come up. While this isn’t a new phenomenon, it’s simply a new term to define who the primary caregiver is. While default parenting syndrome can seem like a negative term, it isn’t always. There are actually many perks that come with being the default parent (like getting to see your child meet milestones.) However, being a default parent can also lead to burnout. If you are curious, read on to learn all about the question, “What is a default parent?” (Read: How Being the Default Parent Can Lead to Resentment.)
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What is the Default Parent?
According to Psychology Today a default parent is “typically one who is “first in line” when it comes to caring for children, child-related responsibilities, or home-related tasks. Assuming that there are two parents present, the default parent is more likely to carry the bigger load in parenting.”
So, in other words, the default parent is the one who carries most of the parental load and the one who the children will automatically go to.
The other day I decided to take advantage of the fact that my husband was off and knock out a few hours of writing. Since I do not have my own office quite yet, I shut myself into my bedroom and got to work. I told the kids, if you need anything let your dad know.
It wasn’t even five minutes later when my youngest, who is three, burst into my room. “Mommy, can you open this?” My husband came in and said, “Mommy is working, I will help you.”
Default parenting looks like your child coming to you whenever they need something, even if your significant other is available and helpful. This can be draining in itself. If you add in a significant other who does very little to help or expects you to carry the full burden of parenting by yourself, this can lead to resentment as the default parent.
Is it Just a TikTok Trend?
Maybe you are asking yourself, wait, isn’t this just a TikTok trend? The answer in short, no. TikTok is simply an avenue where default parents are choosing to bring more awareness to this term.
As I stated before, being the default parent isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just like being the primary breadwinner isn’t always a bad thing. However, shouldering either of those burdens alone without any or very little support is when issues tend to arise.
Who is Most Likely to be the “Default Parent?”
The primary caregiver in most families tend to be the caregiver who spends the most time with the kids. However, this isn’t always the case.
Stay-at-home parents and work from home parents are often thought of as the default parents as well. However, in a home where both parents work, a default parent is the one who the kids will go to the most and the one who carries the majority of child and household responsibilities.
What Can Happen if Default Parenting Syndrome Goes Unchecked?
If the caregiver is an unsupported default parent, and this goes unchecked for a long time, it can lead to issues within families, relationships, and more.
- It can lead to resentment towards the non-default parent or children.
- The default parent may experience burnout.
- May be at higher risk for depression or anxiety.
- Lack of interest in things that used to be important to them.
- Difficulty in relationships may arise.
- Trouble enjoying time with children.
- Lack of self-care.
- Chronic fatigue.
- Decline in mental health.
How to Support the Default Parent (if You’re the Non-Default Parent.)
If you are the non-default parent, there are steps you can take to support the default parent.
- Acknowledge their concerns with open communication.
- Offer support where you can.
- Take the kids somewhere so the default parent can focus on self-care.
- Help as much as you can with housework.
- Share responsibilities.
- Stay mindful of what is considered “invisible labor.”
- Stay adaptable.
- Be flexible.
- Remember, parenting is a partnership.
- Show appreciation for everything they do often.
How to Recognize Signs of Burnout
If you are the default parent, there are signs of burnout to be aware of. These include:
- Feeling touched out at the end of the day.
- Thoughts and feelings of resentment towards nondefault parents and children.
- Mental exhaustion.
- Extreme fatigue.
- Lack of enjoyment in things you used to love to do.
- Neglecting self-care.
If you are a default parent and you are feeling burnt out, it’s important for your mental health to reach out to someone. Whether it’s a close loved one or a professional. You do not have to go through this experience with a lack of support.
How Being the Default Parent May Lead to Resentment
If you are the default parent experiencing burn out, one of the signs may be feelings of resentment. Often, there’s not just one thing that leads to feelings of resentment. It’s the little things that can add up. Several things that can lead to resentment as the default parent:
- Concerns are not always heard.
- Lack of community.
- Feeling touched out by the end of the day.
- Not being able to go do what you want (when you want.) Like the non-default parent.
- Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities.
- Carrying the invisible load of labor. (Being the only one who knows everything about the kids, doctor’s names, medication, likes, dislikes, etc.)
- Lack of personal time.
- Neglecting self-care.
- Carrying a heavy mental load.
- There’s an unequal workload.
Benefits of Being the Default Parent in Your Household
As I stated earlier, being the default parent isn’t always a bad thing. There are several benefits of being the default parent in your household. These benefits include:
- Being present for milestones.
- Having extensive knowledge of your child and their individual needs.
- Being present to help your child with problems that may arise.
- Creating a deeper bond with your child.
- You have an active role in your child’s development.
- Spending the most time with them.
- Being in tune with their needs, thoughts, and growth.
In Conclusion
Default parenting syndrome is not simply a trend on TikTok. It is common, exists in every family, and has been around since the beginning of time. (Seriously, I’m sure the first family had a default parent who attended to the children more than the other parent.)
Default parenting is not always a bad thing. If you are the default parent, it is important to stay tuned into your mental health. Because default parenting can put you at greater risk of developing resentment, feeling burnt out, or carrying a heavier invisible load. If you are experiencing resentment or burnout, reach out to your physician for advice and references to get you the help you need. (Read: 14 Ways to Say Goodbye to Angry Mommy Today.)