The term “default parent” may be relatively new, but default parenting has existed for centuries. I think it’s safe to assume early humans did something similar, with one parent as the default. If you are new to the term, a default parent is the one primarily responsible for the children’s emotional, physical, and logistical needs. If you are asking yourself if you are the default parent, chances are you aren’t. Default parents know who they are. Now, don’t get me wrong: this primary responsibility comes with so much beauty and good. Yet, oftentimes parents in this position aren’t grateful or able to see the beauty, and for many reasons. While this post will undoubtedly resonate with the default parent, I’m not writing it for them. No, this post is for the spouses. Let’s look at the top ten reasons being the default parent makes your spouse resentful.
Top 10 Reasons Being the Default Parent is Making Your Spouse Resentful
Now, not every default parent feels resentment boil up. Often, if the default parent is being emotionally validated and supported, they feel satisfied in their role. Yet, this isn’t always the case. If you are the spouse of a default parent, you may not even realize they are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and in need of some TLC. Maybe you are asking yourself how to tell whether your spouse or you is the default parent. If this is the case, ask yourself the following questions:
- Who makes the kids’ doctor’s appointments?
- Do you know each child’s shoe sizes and their clothing sizes?
- Who picks up the kids from school, makes lunches, signs all the papers, and takes them to extras?
- Who are your child’s closest friends?
- What are the names of those friends’ parents?
- Does your child take medication? If so, what kind and what is the dosage?
- Do you fix your daughter’s hair?
- Who bathes the kids/shower?
- Do you know if your child is scared of anything?
- What are the foods your child won’t eat?
These, of course, are not the only things that default parents know, and if you know them as well, that’s great! Parents need to carry the mental load of parenting, even if one is the primary breadwinner.
For centuries, the mentality has been that one parent works while the other cares for the kids. In the grand scheme of things, sure, maybe this worked then. But today? Unless the primary breadwinner makes a well over a healthy income, this family dynamic doesn’t work anymore.
Now, women aren’t always the default parents; sometimes a man is. But this dynamic doesn’t work anymore because, in most households, both parents need to work or some even want to. So, if both parents are working and carrying the financial load, it makes sense that both should also carry the parenting load. Even if both parents don’t work, you likely chose to have or adopt the children you have with your spouse. They most likely didn’t do that alone, which means the responsibility of caring for those children falls on both of you, not just one.
If you have noticed your spouse’s demeanor has changed, they are more exhausted, irritable, and want more alone time, they may be overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being the default parent. Let’s look at ten reasons why being the default parent can make your spouse resentful.
There’s an Unequal Workload
There may be an unequal workload. Maybe you both work, but when you get home, you can unwind while your spouse can’t. Maybe they have to go straight into default parent mode as soon as they walk through the door. Make dinner, check homework, pay bills, take a bath, and so much more.
If your spouse is the default parent, they may need you to step in more. Don’t ask what they need; if you see something that needs doing, do it. Does your kid need a bath and your spouse is busy cleaning up dinner? Instead of picking up that remote, grab the soap and head to the bathroom.
They are Neglecting Self-Care
Sometimes as the default parent, it’s easy to neglect self-care. There isn’t enough time to meet our needs. So, of course, they go unmet. If a person’s self-care needs go unchecked for too long, they can start to feel down, irritable, and annoyed.
Your spouse may need 30 minutes alone to take a hot bath and read a good book. Your spouse may need more than that. Pay attention to whether or not they are taking care of themselves.
Carrying a Heavy Mental Load
Being the only one who knows everything about your child and their needs can be downright exhausting. Then you have to ask questions on top of it. Shouldn’t you know, the day your child was born, whether they like tomatoes or how much to pay the babysitter? Knowing basic facts can go a long way toward easing your spouse’s heavy mental load.
Maybe take a few items off your spouse’s plate, like signing up your kids for spring sports or helping plan their next birthday party.
Lack of Personal Time
Default parents often don’t get much alone time. That is because, as the default parent, kids will automatically go to you. If you notice your kids choose your spouse most of the time, you can redirect them. Say something like, ” Your mom (Or dad) is relaxing right now, but I can open that snack for you, help you with homework, get you a drink, etc.)
Those small acts of kindness can go a long way toward helping your spouse feel less like a maid and more human.
They Feel Overwhelmed
Being the default parent can be overwhelming; they have so much to know and do. If you notice that your spouse is feeling overwhelmed, look around for something you can take off their plate.
They are Burnt Out
Default parenting burnout can feel heavy. If your spouse reaches this point, resentment is likely already building. Initiate a conversation. Explain to your spouse that you see all they do as the default parent. Maybe you have slacked before, but now you are ready to split the workload. But don’t just say it; actually do it.
Can’t Just Do Whatever They Want
When you aren’t the default parent, you can typically pick up and go wherever you want whenever you want. You usually don’t have to figure out what to do with the kids or decide whether taking them with you is worth it.
Lack of Community
Many default parents feel lonely. That is because they lack community. Not many people have a village anymore, and that’s partly because of the very high expectations placed on each family. There isn’t time, unless you make time.
Feels Touched Out by the End of the Day
Being the one with the children most of the day can overwhelm your senses. If your default parenting spouse doesn’t feel quite as touchy-feely as they used to, chances are they are just feeling touched out by the end of the day. They have had little hands grabbing them and needing something from them all day. So, by the end of the day, they aren’t really in the mood to flirt and be handsy.
Their Concerns Are Not Always Heard
A default parent may become resentful when their concerns and needs aren’t always heard. If they feel what they are doing isn’t good enough, or that they are talking to a brick wall when they try to discuss how they are feeling.
If that is the case, you need to put your pride aside and listen to your spouse. Try to truly put yourself in their shoes when they explain how being the default parent makes them feel.
How to Avoid Resentment as a Default Parent (Or Their Spouse)
Being the default parent isn’t necessarily bad. It can also come with many beautiful perks, like being the first to see your child walk or giggle. But if left unchecked, being the default parent can lead to resentment. To avoid this, there are a few things you can do.
Continue Communicating
First, keep communicating with your spouse. If you are the default parent and it doesn’t seem like they hear you, keep trying. You never know when they’ll start hearing you.
If you are the nondefault parent, start communicating. Listen and learn how you can support and encourage your spouse or significant other.
Delegate Tasks
As the default parent, learn to delegate tasks. Let your significant other know it needs to be done and that you’re not the one who should do it. It may sound harsh, but the more you delegate, the easier it becomes.
If you are a non-default parent, take on the delegated tasks without fighting it. All your spouse needs is support; they aren’t attacking you or trying to make it seem like you do nothing. They need help.
Look for Support
Being the default parent is easier with support. If your significant other isn’t giving it right now, lean on a friend or family member who can support you. (Of course, this should go without saying, but just in case, make sure it’s not someone you have a romantic or emotional attachment to; that won’t help.)
If you are a non-default parent, offer support.
Read: Encouraging Affirmations for Daughters
Don’t Ask for Permission
Often, default parents don’t take care of themselves properly because they feel they can’t, or that they have to ask permission. Get into the habit of not asking for permission. Instead of texting your spouse, “Do you care if I go out for an hour with my girlfriends tonight?” Say, “Hey, I checked the schedule, you are free tonight, and I’m going to dinner with my friends.” You are responsible for the kids’ dinner. Maybe your spouse doesn’t like it, but you didn’t have those kids alone. You’re just as entitled to take care of yourself as the next person.
If you are a non-default parent, don’t whine about it; be okay with your significant other taking care of themselves. You should want someone happy and well cared for.
Prioritize Self-Care
This goes along with the one above. Don’t neglect self-care. You will feel loads better once you begin loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved.
Non-default parents, just let them do it. You are perfectly capable of picking up some slack.
