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Understanding Emotional Invalidation
Everyone wants to feel heard and understood. But what happens if the validation isn’t there? Is there a term that describes having your feelings rejected? This term is emotional invalidation. It’s not hard to imagine precisely what emotional invalidation is. (8 Practical Ways to Practice Peaceful Discipline.)
Psych.com defines it as “dismissing or rejecting someone’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. It says to someone: “Your feelings don’t matter. Your feelings are wrong.”
In a nutshell, it’s rejecting a person’s feelings simply because you do not understand them, think they are wrong or do not know how to handle the emotions.
Now, as adults, most of us can nod our heads and say, “Yep, I know exactly what that is.” We all want to shout from the rooftops, “I have feelings; let them be heard.” Yet, it can be harder for some to validate children and their feelings.
How does Emotional Invalidation Apply to Children?
I grew up in a household where my parents validated my feelings. I don’t remember a time when I thought, “Man, what I think doesn’t matter.” My grandparents, parents, the adults in my life, were also constantly talking to me; it seemed as though they loved hearing what I had to say.
It wasn’t until I became an adult and looked around that I realized that not all children are this blessed. Now, don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be a child’s parent to make them feel invalid. No, a child can receive emotional invalidation from their teachers, aunts, uncles, friends, and even classmates.
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Let me paint you a picture:
An adult drives down the road and gets behind a slow driver. Then, they spill their soda all over their work clothes, and as they come into work, they miss the elevator and have to walk up the steps into their office. Now they are late. Chances are this adult will be frustrated, and it most likely comes out in some venting episode.
(Not always, but let’s be honest, we are all just human.) It is not hard for many people to say, “Well, this happened, so they are rightfully frustrated.” Many people around them may not even question it or shame them for feeling so upset.
On the flip side, a child wakes up late for school, misses the bus, and their mom has to drive them. Their mom is upset and has been getting on them on the way to school. They fumble through the first hour, frustrated and unable to concentrate; they have difficulty understanding their assignment because they are so upset. Yet, instead of sympathy, they receive a red dojo for being distracted during their lessons. (This is a similar scenario my son went through when he was in kindergarten, except for the waking up late and getting yelled at part; it was difficult to concentrate because of a lack of resources and being relentlessly teased by a classmate.)
Why do many adults expect a child to control their emotions to a level they haven’t mastered all the time yet?
How Do We Emotionally Invalidate Children?
I have four children. Two of which have different challenges. One of my children is adopted and has an outward disability called cerebral palsy. My other child, well, she has an inward struggle, anxiety. One challenge is readily detectable, and the other is more or less blind to the naked eye. During my time as their mother, I noticed that one of them receives more validation and slack (almost too much) for their challenges. At the same time, I have also noticed that I have a difficult time with many adults not taking the other child’s challenges seriously.
While I do not discredit my son’s challenges, they are genuine. Yet, my daughter’s challenges are as well. I have noticed that adults who do not understand her struggles tend to brush them off and emotionally invalidate them to the point that it becomes difficult for her to calm down.
If you notice that adults in your child’s life are emotionally invalidating them, the best thing you can do for your child is empower them and become their most prominent advocate. Set boundaries with the other adults in their lives who want to plow through their struggles and disregard them as nothing. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary.
What does Emotional Invalidation do to a Person?
Emotionally invalidating someone, adult or child, for long enough will lead them to doubt their sense of reality. It will make them feel like their feelings and emotions are less important than someone else’s. If enough adults convince a child that their feelings do not matter, it will eventually lead to that child believing it.
Now, I know that parenting is hard. I am guilty of emotionally invalidating my children on accident at times. When I notice this happening, I humble myself and apologize to my child. They need to know that adults are not always right, either. We are all human.
Sometimes, we become so wrapped up in our feelings and ideas about a situation that we forget that others are entitled to how they feel. This includes children. Yet, there are ways we can recognize if we are accidentally emotionally invalidating a person. Sometimes, it comes out by saying:
- You shouldn’t feel that way.
- You’re overreacting.
- I disagree with you.
- It could be worse.
- You shouldn’t feel that way.
- I’ve had worse.
- It doesn’t matter. Let it go.
- I’m sorry you feel that way, but…
- Stop crying.
- It wasn’t that bad, or they weren’t that bad. (referring to another person, perhaps a classmate.)
Sometimes, it will come out by dismissing a person when they want to have a conversation, disregarding their boundaries, or ignoring them when they come to you with a problem.
How does Emotional Invalidation Feel to Someone?
When a person experiences emotional invalidation, it can make them feel like what they are experiencing is wrong. They shouldn’t be reacting this strongly to a situation. Is something wrong with them? When this happens to a child, it can magnify an already challenging time, such as navigating growing up and figuring out who they are.
How to Validate Your Child
There are many ways to validate a person’s feelings as a child and an adult. A few phrases to try are:
- I can see how this situation can be very frustrating.
- I understand why you feel the way you do.
- I see the effort you are putting in.
- Wow, that must be very hard.
- Yeah, I see how disappointing that must have been.
- Do you want to talk about it?
- What can I do to help you feel better?
- What do you need right now?
- You may be right.
Validating a person also includes mindfully listening to them without thinking about what you will say next or defending why you think they are wrong. It means showing them that although you may not wholly understand, their emotions are just as important as anyone else.
Children need to grow up knowing that their voices and experiences are essential and matter. (Read: How to Help Your Child Learn Self-Regulation.)
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