What Is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our emotions and reactions, even when we find ourselves in frustrating or upsetting situations.
For children, learning to self-regulate doesn’t happen overnight. Children experience a wide range of big emotions, and often, they don’t yet have the words or skills to express what they’re feeling.
Sometimes, they don’t even understand why they’re feeling a certain way.
That’s where we come in as parents.
It’s our job to help our children recognize their emotions, understand what those feelings mean, and learn healthy ways to express them. Rather than expecting our children to automatically know how to handle their emotions, we can gently guide them as they develop these important life skills.
Why Is It Important for Children to Learn Self-Regulation?
When children haven’t developed self-regulation skills, everyday frustrations can quickly turn into big tantrums, emotional outbursts, or meltdowns.
And let’s be clear: tantrums and big emotions are a normal part of childhood.
Young children are still learning how to handle disappointment, frustration, anger, and sadness. They need our patience, understanding, and guidance as they figure it all out.
As children grow, however, learning to manage their emotions becomes increasingly important.
Self-regulation helps children navigate friendships, handle disappointment, solve problems, and cope when things don’t go their way.
It also teaches them something incredibly valuable: It’s okay to feel big emotions, but we can choose how we respond to those feelings.
Our goal isn’t to raise children who never get upset. It’s to raise children who understand that their feelings are valid and who have the tools to work through those feelings in healthy ways.
What Happens When a Child Struggles With Self-Regulation?
Children who struggle with self-regulation may have a harder time managing everyday frustrations, especially in situations involving other people.
For example, imagine your child really wants to use the red crayon, but their friend is already using it.
To us, this might seem like a minor inconvenience. But to a young child who hasn’t learned how to manage disappointment, it can feel like a really big deal.
They might cry, yell, grab the crayon, or become overwhelmed with frustration.
The problem isn’t necessarily that they’re upset. The problem is that they haven’t yet learned what to do with that feeling.
And that’s exactly why teaching self-regulation is so important.
Instead of simply telling our children to calm down, we can help them recognize their frustration, put words to what they’re feeling, and practice a healthier response.
Maybe that means taking a deep breath, asking for a turn, choosing another color, or waiting patiently.
These might seem like small lessons, but over time, they build the foundation for emotional resilience.
Self-Regulation Is a Lifelong Skill
Here’s something important to remember: self-regulation isn’t just a childhood skill. It’s something we continue practicing throughout our adult lives.
Children who don’t receive guidance in managing their emotions may continue to struggle with emotional regulation as they grow older. But the good news is that these skills can be learned and strengthened at any age.
And if we’re being honest, even as adults, we sometimes struggle with our own big emotions.
As moms, we know how challenging it can be to respond calmly when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or frustrated.
When we allow our emotions to dictate every parenting decision, we can easily fall into patterns of reactive parenting. And let’s face it, that’s exhausting for everyone in the family.
That’s why modeling self-regulation is just as important as teaching it.
Our children learn so much by watching how we respond when things don’t go according to plan.
Do we yell when we’re frustrated? Or do we take a moment to breathe? Do we apologize when we overreact?
We don’t have to be perfect parents to raise emotionally healthy children. We simply have to be willing to grow alongside them.
And here’s the beautiful part: Teaching self-regulation doesn’t have to involve complicated lessons or elaborate activities.
We can help our children develop these skills through small, intentional moments in our everyday lives.
One feeling, one conversation, and one calm response at a time.
9 ways to help your child learn to self-regulate.
1. Show your own self-regulation
The first place to start when showing your child how to self-regulate is learning how to self-regulate your own emotions. If you are reactive parents, your child will pick up on your emotions and may become reactive too. Reactive means reacting to situations based on your emotions. We all know that we cannot do this as adults because some situations call for us to be calm and composed.
2. Practice with situations at home when they arise
A great place to start self-regulation is when your child is little, and to practice at home when small situations arise. For example, if your child really wants to watch a TV show but their sister has already picked one, this is a great opportunity to show your child how to self-regulate and stay calm even when they’re upset.
3. Give them an end goal
Talk to your child about what self-regulation means. It could be the end goal: raising children who are able to cope in different situations. You can explain to your older children that some situations might arise where they need to learn to stay calm, and you can talk to your child about those situations. Or you can give your younger children a reward, or start a sticker chart, and help them learn to self-regulate with motivation.
4. Provide ways of self-soothing
Knowing how to self-soothe when you’re upset is a very important skill as a child grows. If you need some ideas on how to teach your child to self-soothe, I have a list here.
Calming Techniques for Children
1. Take deep breaths. Teach your child to breathe in slowly through their nose and gently blow the air out like they’re blowing out birthday candles.
2. Count to ten. Encourage your child to count slowly to ten when they start feeling frustrated or upset.
3. Hug a favorite stuffed animal. Sometimes holding something soft and familiar can help children feel safe and comforted.
4. Find a quiet space. Create a cozy calming corner where your child can go when they’re feeling overwhelmed. This should be a comforting space, not a punishment.
5. Listen to calming music. Soft music or familiar songs can help children relax and settle their emotions.
6. Use positive affirmations. Teach your child simple phrases like “I can do hard things,” “It’s okay to feel upset,” or “I can get through this.”
7. Practice belly breathing. Have your child place their hands on their belly and imagine inflating a balloon as they breathe in.
8. Ask for a hug. Remind your child that it’s always okay to ask for comfort when they’re having a difficult moment.
9. Read a favorite book. Looking through a familiar story can provide comfort and help children redirect their attention.
10. Practice the five senses grounding exercise. Help your child identify five things they can see, four they can feel, three they can hear, two they can smell, and one they can taste.
Creative Ways to Help Children Self-Soothe
11. Draw their feelings. Encourage your child to draw a picture of how they’re feeling instead of trying to explain everything with words.
12. Color a picture. Coloring can be a peaceful activity that helps children settle when they’re feeling overstimulated.
13. Play with playdough. Squeezing, rolling, and shaping playdough gives children a hands-on activity that may help release tension.
14. Write in a feelings journal. Older children can write about what upset them, what they’re feeling, and what might help them feel better.
15. Use a sensory bottle. Watching glitter slowly settle in a calming bottle can give children something soothing to focus on.
16. Practice blowing bubbles. Blowing bubbles encourages slow, controlled breathing while making calming down feel like a fun activity.
17. Make a feelings chart. Help your child identify whether they’re feeling sad, angry, frustrated, nervous, or overwhelmed.
Physical Activities That Help Children Calm Down
18. Go for a walk. A little fresh air and movement can help children release some of their built-up energy.
19. Stretch their bodies. Simple stretches can help children notice and release physical tension.
20. Shake out their sillies. Encourage your child to shake their hands, wiggle their arms, or dance to release some energy.
21. Push against a wall. Have your child place their hands against a wall and gently push for a few seconds. This can provide calming sensory input for some children.
22. Wrap up in a cozy blanket. Snuggling under a favorite blanket can help some children feel comfortable and secure.
Emotional Self-Soothing Techniques
23. Name the emotion. Teach your child to say, “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I’m sad right now.” Naming feelings can make them easier to understand and manage.
24. Practice helpful self-talk. Encourage your child to remind themselves, “I can try again,” “I can ask for help,” or “This feeling won’t last forever.”
25. Take a break and try again. Teach your child that it’s okay to step away from a frustrating situation and return when they feel ready.
5. Practice with board games
Board games are a great way to practice self-regulation. Because you have a clear winner and loser in each game. You can teach the winner of your games how to be an acceptable winner. Not a sore winner, not somebody who brags about winning. And you can teach the loser of the game how to not be a sore loser. Explain that games are just games: you might win one time and lose the next, and we need to learn to control our disappointment if we lose and our ego if we win.
6. Give examples from books
Books are an excellent source of life lessons for your children. They may not even realize they’re learning anything while you are reading to them. Find books that have wonderful examples of self-regulation and disappointment that your child can learn from.
7. Keep their weak spots/triggers in mind
If you know your child struggles with a certain area or has a certain trigger when they go out in public, be mindful of those triggers and weak spots. Try your best to either prepare them if you know it’s inevitable they’re going to be in a situation they struggle with, or avoid putting them in a situation they struggle with if it’s not necessary.
8. Teach your child to name their feelings
Being able to recognize big feelings is an important part of self-regulation, whether you’re a child or an adult. Start by teaching your child what emotions are, why they might be feeling certain emotions, and how to name them.
9. Encourage your child
Encouragement goes a long way, and that is especially true for children. When you see your child doing really well at self-regulation, encourage them to keep going. Give them praise and let them know that you are proud of them. If your child is struggling to learn how to self-regulate, encourage them to keep going even though it’s hard. Let them know they can do hard things and that in the end it is worth it.
Self-regulation skills take practice and time.
No one learns how to self-regulate overnight. It takes time, practice, and relentless intentionality. But self-regulation skills are important as we grow. Some children are more prone to emotional meltdowns than others, so it might be a little trickier to teach self-regulation with certain children. Keep putting in the work, Momma; you can do it, and it is worth it.
