The term ‘default parent'” may be relatively new, but default parenting has been around for centuries. I think it’s safe to assume the very first humans resorted to something that looks similar to one parent being on default. If you are new to the term, a default parent is the one who is primarily responsible for the emotional, physical, and logistical needs of the children. While the information in this post will undoubtedly resonate with the default parent, I’m not writing it for them. No, this post is for the spouses or significant others of the default parent. Let’s take a look at the top ten reasons being the default parent is making your spouse resentful.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s so much beauty and good that comes with this primary responsibility. Yet oftentimes parents who find themselves in this position aren’t always grateful or able to find the beauty and this can be for many reasons. If you are asking yourself if you are the default parent, chances are you aren’t. Defaults parents know who they are.
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Top 10 Reasons Being the Default Parent is Making Your Spouse Resentful
Now, not every default parent feels resentment boil up. Often, if the default parent is being emotionally validated and supported, they feel satisfied in their role. Yet, this isn’t always the case. Chances are, if you are the spouse to a default parent, you may not even realize that they are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and in need of some TLC. Maybe you are asking yourself how to even tell if your spouse or you are the default parent. If this is the case, ask yourself the following questions:
- Who makes the doctor’s appointments for the kids?
- Do you know each child’s shoe sizes and their clothing sizes?
- Who picks up the kids from school, makes lunches, signs all the papers, and takes them to extras?
- Who are your child’s closest friends?
- What are the names of those friends’ parents?
- Does your child take medication? If so, what kind and what is the dosage?
- Do you fix your daughter’s hair?
- Who gives the kids a bath/shower?
- Do you know if your child is scared of anything?
- What are the foods your child won’t eat?
These, of course, are not the only things that default parents know, and if you know them as well, that’s great! It’s important for parents to carry the mental load of parenting, even if one is the primary breadwinner.
For centuries there has been the mentality that one parent works while the other cares for the kids. In the grand scheme of things, sure maybe this worked at the time. But today? Unless the spouse who is the primary breadwinner makes quite a bit of a healthy income, this family dynamic just doesn’t work anymore.
The reason this dynamic doesn’t work anymore is that in most households, both parents need to work. So, if both parents are working, and carrying the financial load, then it makes sense that both parents should also carry the parenting load. Even if both parents don’t work, it’s highly likely that you choose to have or adopt the children you have with your spouse. They most likely didn’t do that all on their own, which means, the responsibility of caring for those children falls on both of you, not just one.
If you have noticed that your spouse’s demeanor has changed, they are more exhausted, irritable, and want more alone time, they may be overwhelmed with their responsibilities of being the default parent. Let’s take a look at ten reasons why being the default parent is making your spouse resentful.
There’s an Unequal Workload
There may be an unequal workload. Maybe you both work, but while you get to unwind when you come home from work, your spouse doesn’t. Maybe they have to go straight into default parent mode as soon as they walk through the door. Make dinner, check homework, pay bills, give bathes, do the bedtime routine, and so much more.
If your spouse is the default parent, they may need you to step in more. Don’t ask what they need, instead, if you see something needs to be done, just do it. Does your kid need a bath and your spouse is busy cleaning up dinner? Instead of picking up that remote, grab the soap and head to the bathroom.
They are Neglecting Self-Care
Sometimes as the default parent, it’s easy to neglect self-care. There’s just not enough time to take care of our needs. So, of course, they go unmet. If a person’s self-care needs go unchecked for far too long, they begin to feel down, irritable, and annoyed.
It’s possible your spouse just needs 30 minutes alone to take a nice hot bath and read a good book. It’s also possible your spouse needs a little more than this. Pay attention to whether or not they are taking care of themselves.
Carrying a Heavy Mental Load
Being the only one who knows every single thing about your child and their needs can be downright exhausting. Then having to answer your questions about the kids on top of it can be frustrating. Shouldn’t you know the day your child was born, whether or not they like tomatoes, or how much to pay the babysitter? Getting to know basic facts can go a long way in helping ease the heavy mental load of your spouse.
Maybe take a few items off your spouse’s plate, like signing your kids up for the next spring session of their favorite sport (Instead of waiting for your spouse to do it) or help plan their next birthday party.
Lack of Personal Time
Default parents do not get a lot of alone time. That is because as the default parent, kids will automatically go to them. If you notice your kids choose your spouse over you the majority of the time, you can redirect them. Say something like, your mom (or dad) is relaxing right now, but I can open that snack for you, help you with homework, get you a drink, etc.
Just those small acts of kindness can go a long way in helping your spouse feel less like a maid and more human.
They Feel Overwhelmed
Being the default parent can be overwhelming, there’s so much that they need to know and do. If you notice that your spouse is feeling overwhelmed, look around for something you can take off their plate.
They are Burnt Out
Being burnt out by default parenting can feel heavy. If your spouse reaches this point, chances are resentment is already building up. Initiate a conversation. Explain to your spouse that you see all they are doing as the default parent, you notice. Maybe you have slacked before but now you are ready to split the workload. But don’t just say it, actually do it.
They Can’t Go Do What They Want When They Want
When you aren’t the default parent, you can typically just pick up and go wherever you want whenever you want. You don’t usually have to figure out what to do with the kids or decide if taking them with you is worth it.
Lack of Community
Many default parents feel lonely. That is because they lack community. Not many people have a village anymore, and that’s due in part to the very high expectations that fall on each family. There simply isn’t time, unless you make time.
Feels Touched Out by the End of the Day
Being the one who is with the children the majority of the day can be overwhelming to one’s senses. If your default parenting spouse is not feeling quite as touchy-feely as they used to, chances are they are just feeling touched out by the end of the day. They have had little hands grabbing them and needing something from them all day. So, if by the end of the day, they aren’t really in the mood to flirt and be handsy, they may be due for some TLC in the form of self-care.
Their Concerns are Not Always Heard
A default parent may become resentful when their concerns and needs aren’t always heard. If they feel like what they are doing is not good enough or like they are talking to a brick wall when they do, try to discuss how they are feeling with an open mind. Keep the defensiveness at bay, there’s no time for that nonsense.
If this is the case, then you need to put away your pride and listen to your spouse. Try to truly put yourself in their shoes when they try to explain how being the default parent is making them feel.
How to Avoid Resentment as a Default Parent (Or Their Spouse)
Being the default parent isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can also come with many beautiful perks, like getting to be the first one to see your child walk or giggle. But if left unchecked, being the default parent can lead to resentment. In order to avoid this from happening there are a few things you can do.
Continue Communicating
First, keep communicating with your spouse. If you are the default parent and it doesn’t seem like they hear you, keep trying. You never know when they will eventually start hearing you.
If you are the nondefault parent, start communicating. Listen and learn what you can do to offer support and encouragement to your spouse or significant other.
Delegate Tasks
As the default parent, learn to delegate tasks. Let your significant other know, this needs to be done, and I’m not the one to do it. It may sound harsh, but the more you delegate, the easier it becomes.
If you are a nondefault parent, take the delegated tasks without putting up a fight. All your spouse needs is support, they aren’t attacking you or trying to make it seem like you do nothing. They need help.
Look for Support
Being the default parent is easier when you have support. If your significant other isn’t giving it right now, lean on a friend or family member who can support you. (Of course, this should go without saying but just in case, make sure it’s not someone who you have a romantic emotional attachment to, that’s not going to help you.)
If you are a nondefault parent, just offer support.
Don’t Ask for Permission
Many times, default parents don’t take care of themselves properly because they feel like they can’t or like they have to ask for permission. Get into the habit of not asking for permission. Instead of texting your spouse and saying do you care if I go out for an hour with my girlfriends tonight? Say, hey, I checked the schedule, you are free tonight, I’m going to dinner with my friends. You are responsible for dinner for the kids. Maybe your spouse doesn’t like it, but you didn’t have those kids alone. You’re just as entitled to take care of yourself as the next person.
If you are a nondefault parent, don’t whine about it, be okay with your significant other taking care of themselves. You should want someone who is happy and taken care of.
Prioritize Self-Care
This goes along with the one above. Don’t neglect self-care. You will feel loads better once you begin loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved.
Nondefault parents, just let them do it. You are perfectly capable of picking up some slack.
What to do next: Join the FB group From Chaos to Calm.