How to Calm Down a Toddler Tantrum

How to Calm Down a Toddler Tantrum

Why Do Toddlers Throw Tantrums?

Have you ever been in a public place with your toddler and all of a sudden, they are melting down? Maybe the tantrum came out of nowhere, or maybe you understand exactly why your toddler is having a tantrum, but everyone is staring at you, and you don’t know how to help calm your child. (Read: How to Stop Being an Angry Mom Today.)

The truth is toddlers have tantrums for several reasons. One of the main reasons for this is the triggers. Toddler will have specific triggers related to their temperament and personality. As parents, we can be mindful of our child’s triggers to help avoid tantrums when we can.

Another reason though for those tantrums is that toddlers don’t understand their emotions. You and I, as adults, sometimes have difficulty controlling and understanding our own emotions. So, it’s not reasonable to ask a child who doesn’t understand the concepts yet to control their emotions at all times. We can help them understand their emotions instead.

Is it More Important to Connect, or Correct?

What do I mean when I say a connection with your child is important? Sometimes, I have been guilty of sending my child away when they throw a fit to a different room, or I walk out and don’t connect with them because I’m just too irritated to deal with.

A connection with your child’s heart is vital for your relationship with them and helps them mature and grow. Now, is the connection more important than correction? No, actually, they go hand-in-hand and play important roles together.

Connection helps your child form a bond with you when they are having a difficult time, especially in the form of a toddler tantrum. It lets them know that mommy or daddy will always be there when they struggle. Think of correction as guidance. It’s guiding a child and helping them figure out the correct way to react to certain situations and how to treat other people. Correction is important for your children, but connecting with your child is essential. It is possible to do both simultaneously.

You Can’t Connect with Your Toddler and Pitch a Fit While Correcting Them

There was one piece of advice my mom told me when I became a mom, and her mom told her. Don’t try to discipline or correct your child when you are upset or feeling emotional. It’s better to wait until everyone has calmed down.

And it can sometimes be challenging to do that. Still, it is essential that when your child is having difficulty pitching a fit or temper tantrum, and you know that they will need discipline or consequences for their actions. It’s important to wait to correct her behavior. Instead, getting on their level, helping them calm down, and connecting with them is better, if they are having a toddler tantrum, then it is to try to correct their behavior.

Have you ever had somebody tell you to calm down while you’re having a meltdown? It’s hard even for adults. Tell your child to calm down, and then try to correct their behavior or discipline them. If this is done during the temper tantrum it can often lead to prolonged tantrums. 

If it is important to try discipline while they’re in their tantrum, but you don’t want to do time out, a great thing you can do is call time out. This is similar to a time out, except instead of placing your child somewhere away from you, you sit with them while they’re coming down during this time out.

5 Peaceful Ways to Help Calm a Toddler Tantrum

1. Say No to Having Your Own Tantrum

It is tempting to give into your own temper tantrum while your child is having one. I know because I’ve done it before. It does not help your child or you. All it does is cause you to become more frustrated and irritated.

So, the first thing you can do when your child has a toddler tantrum to help them is to say no to having your own. Try your best to remain as calm as possible. If you are having trouble remaining calm, pretend to be calm and fake it till you make it. Or if you have a partner who can help, try tag teaming it. 

2. Take Charge When It’s Necessary

There will be moments when your child is throwing a temper tantrum, and it can be unsafe, or it’s important to leave the place you are at. Be bold and take charge in that moment.

Maybe a child thought they would throw a fit in the middle of a parking lot, which my child has done before. Taking charge during those moments when your child is not safe is necessary. You can grab them gently if they’re small enough and place them in the car or somewhere where they can continue their temper tantrum or calm down.

4. Distract Your Toddler

Distraction is a beautiful thing for a toddler. It may be more difficult with an older child, but if your child is still a toddler, you can distract them from something they are throwing a fit about with something else.

For example, maybe your toddler is upset that their sibling will not play with them, so they start throwing a temper tantrum. You could try distracting your child by suggesting a game you can play with her or putting on some music and getting their wiggles out. This works wonders for my children.

5. Give Validation to Your Child’s Feelings

Children are human. And everybody needs to feel like their feelings and emotions are valid. It is no different for children. When a child is repeatedly told to stop, quit crying, you’re OK, etc., they start to believe that the way they feel their emotions and thoughts on a particular situation is not valid and unnecessary.

You can turn this around by giving validation for your child’s feelings, even if you do not understand them. Even if you believe that how they’re feeling about something seems silly, can you talk to them and validate their feelings and let them know that how they feel is important? Then, their desire to throw a tantrum missed out to diminish.

6. Get on Their Level and Hug Them

This one is so simple. Human connection can help us calm down and regulate ourselves and our emotions. Getting down on your child’s level and hugging them, maybe count until you reach 20, can help them regulate their emotions.

And if your child is not ready for human connection and a hug, sometimes all you have to do is wait it out until they are ready. The connection and bond with your child develop when they are melting down and having a difficult time.

How to Make Tantrums Less Likely

Be Consistent with Your Boundaries

Boundaries are essential as a parent. When raising your children, you must make sure they know what is acceptable and what is not. This may look different for every family. But what is essential about boundaries is ensuring you are consistent with that.

I know that sometimes it’s difficult for moms and dads when we have so much on our plates and are tired. But if you don’t want your child acting a certain way within the next day’s turn around and allow them to have this behavior, it sends mixed messages to your child.

For example, your child has problems keeping their hands to themselves and not having other children. You can tell your child it’s not OK to hit your sister. Maybe one day, you give a consequence for hitting their sister, but the very next day, they continue to hit, and you decide you’re too tired to deal with that behavior. What that tells your child is it’s OK to hit my sister some days. I will not always get in trouble, and they will be more likely to try to get away with the action when they don’t know that the consequence will be consistent.

Pay Attention to Your Child’s Triggers and Needs

Every human has needs and triggers. When your child is small, they may have more needs, such as naptime or eating more frequently. As a mom, we can pay attention to when our child starts to get tired, when her child is hungry, etc.

Paying attention to these triggers and needs can help you avoid unnecessary tantrums. For example, if you know your child needs a nap at noon right after lunch, it is not a good idea to plan an outing with your child where they will have to stay awake. Because expecting them to not be cranky during that time it’s not fair to them.

So, pay attention to your child’s triggers, and if you know your child is having a meltdown because they are hungry or sleepy or something like that, then it’s important to lower your expectations of them at that moment.

Talk to Your Child About Emotions Frequently

Emotions are an abstract concept for our children to understand. We can continuously talk to them about emotions while we feel specific ways, etc., which can help them become familiar with recognizing why they’re feeling the way they are.

It’s not going to click overnight, especially when they’re young, but you can open the door and continuously talk to them about emotions like by saying “hey, I see that you are feeling sad right now. You’re feeling sad because… ” This helps them become familiar with emotions that sometimes have a cause and effect.

Plan and be Mindful of Tantrum Triggers

Plan ahead for your day. If you are a type A personality like me, sometimes it can be hard to do so. But planning ahead helps you be mindful of any tantrum triggers that may happen. If you have to go to the grocery store, it’s a good idea not to go in the middle of the day when your child will be tired or leave them with a babysitter. This can help you avoid tantrums. (Read: Being a Stay-at-Home Mom on a Budget.)

Toddler tantrums are unavoidable but can be a great way to connect with your child.