Have you ever heard the term peaceful parenting? Maybe you are shaking your head. Obviously, no one can always be peaceful as a parent, right? Right! However, that doesn’t give parents an out not to work on themselves. Peaceful parenting is an ongoing process. It involves constantly examining yourself and working on your own self. The end result is better communication, relationship, and overall peace inside your home.
The work of practicing peaceful parenting is hard. It can feel draining. However, the result is one hundred percent worth it! In this post, we will examine what peaceful parenting is, why it can help you create a more peaceful home, and how practice does not make perfect.
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What Is Peaceful Parenting?
When you hear peaceful parenting, you may automatically think of a zen mom covered in daisy crowns, flowing skirts, and feral children running around everywhere. Sure, peaceful parenting CAN look like that, and my children for sure can be feral at times; this is not an accurate picture of peaceful parenting.
Peaceful parenting is choosing to work on yourself. But I am an adult; I don’t need to work on myself! Have you ever said that to yourself? I know I have. The truth is, no one is perfect. We are always moving forward or backward when it comes to our character. When we look deep into ourselves, figure out our triggers, and work on ourselves. It becomes easier not to take out our emotions on our children.
Let’s look at an example for a minute. I’ll paint a picture for you. I am a stay-at-home mom who homeschools and also works from home. Say I stay up way too late one night because I want to binge-watch my favorite show. Yet, when I go to sleep at midnight, my toddler decides THIS is the night I will wake up six times. My sleep is off; I am tired when my alarm, aka my toddler, wakes me up the following day. It’s six o’clock am; my oldest children are awake. They are bouncing off the walls, excited about the day! I have not had my coffee. I feel groggy. I feel grouchy. I am annoyed already.
It would be so easy to take out my annoyance on my children. To snap at them to stop talking so loud, do something besides chat my ear off. STOP annoying me. Right? Unfortunately, this is not just a fictional picture for many moms. It is a reality. The annoyance is genuine. Yet, it’s not my child’s fault I stayed up way too late. That would be on me. That doesn’t mean life doesn’t happen. That doesn’t mean circumstances are always in our control.
It is easy to take our emotions out on those around us. It is harder to examine precisely what is going on inside of us. This can be traced back to all of our relationships.
Is Peaceful Parenting the Same as Gentle Parenting?
Gentle parenting is a style that is gaining much traction for a great reason. It’s a beautiful way to raise children. It involves showing your child empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. The focus is not on shaming your child but on working on relationships and connections.
Peaceful parenting and gentle parenting are great tools to use side by side. They are different from one another, though.
Peaceful parenting focuses on the same things as gentle parenting. It works with the authoritative parenting style as well. Peaceful parenting is simply saying I acknowledge what I need to work on myself to give my children autonomy and self-confidence.
It’s choosing to say my child is not responsible for how I feel right now. I am responsible for myself. I am in control of my emotions.
What are the Principles of Peaceful Parenting?
There are five principles of peaceful parenting. They are:
- Empathetic leadership
- Positive discipline
- Proactive parenting
- Respect
- Attachment
Let’s take a brief look at each one below:
Empathetic leadership: Empathetic means “showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” So to show empathetic leadership with our children means we can set boundaries yet take the time to understand precisely why they are feeling the way they are. You may not understand their feelings, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valid. It’s essential to take the time to show compassion and empathy to our children truly. This gives them a gateway of trust. This gateway will grow our attachment and bond.
Attachment: It has been proven that our attachment with our babies and children is vital during the first four years of their lives. Secure attachment allows our children to grow, thrive, and explore the world around them in a safe environment.
Respect: Giving children respect can feel like a foreign concept for many people. I’m not sure why, except that it’s just not what they are used to. Respecting your child is an important part of peaceful parenting. All children are people.
My mamaw used to say, talk to children the way you would anybody; they are just little people. I fully understood this when I myself was grown. She was saying children deserve respect too. Respecting a child can be something as simple as asking them if you can have their seat instead of just taking it. (This was a real experience that my daughter had while on vacation; she handled it so respectfully. More so than her momma.) It may also look like considering their feelings when making big decisions for your household.
This doesn’t mean that your child runs the family or house. You are still the adult, and you are responsible for setting boundaries. Yet, it means that you give your child the same respect you are asking for from them.
Proactive Parenting: What does it mean to be a proactive parent? Being proactive means paying attention to the signs that are there. Being proactive takes a lot more work than being reactive. It means setting boundaries, communicating well with your child, and looking for warning signs. These signs may signal that your child is struggling and needs help. They may signal that your child is actively trying to push boundaries. It doesn’t mean you constantly step in and take away natural consequences. You allow your child to experience the challenges that may come their way. Yet, you are an active parent in tune with what is happening with your child.
Positive discipline: Lastly, positive discipline is key to peaceful parenting. Positive discipline involves using communication, boundaries, and positive discipline. Parents communicate with their children their expectations and the consequences in advance while rewarding positive behavior.
Positive discipline also means you are keeping your composure. You are the brick wall in your child’s chaos. You choose to show your child empathy and encouragement, yet, you are assertive with your boundaries and firm with the consequences.
How Can I Work On Myself as a Parent?
We talked a bit about the five principles of peaceful parenting. Yet, it’s important to note that to be a peaceful parent, you have to first work on yourself. There are a few ways to do this.
First, work on figuring out your own triggers. If you do not know what triggers you, especially if you are prone to loud outbursts, it’s time to start digging. I have been there. It took a lot of character growth to figure out exactly what my triggers were.
Next, be intentional. You need to be intentional about working on those triggers. If you need more sleep, get it. If you are stressed in your marriage, figure out why. There may be deep wounds that have not been worked on. Take a look at those wounds, honestly. It is hard work, but intentionally healing and working on yourself as a parent is essential for our children.
Don’t neglect self-care. It’s so important! Neglecting self-care can be a big trigger for many parents. To be the best you for your child, you need to take care of yourself.
Why Does Support Matter?
Supporting your child is extremely important when it comes to being a peaceful parent. It can be easy to get sidetracked with all we have to do as moms. Being proactive takes intentionality! Showing our children daily support will send them the message that your door is always open. No matter what the subject is, no matter how hard, you can support your child through it. It truly does matter.
Practice Makes Progress
One day during school, I said practice makes perfect. My daughter corrected me and said actually, my dance teacher says, “Practice doesn’t make perfect because no one is perfect. Instead, practice makes progress!” She’s so right. No one is perfect. So, if you are just now starting on this peaceful parenting thing, don’t fret. Remember, no one is a perfect parent. I fail every day. There are so many areas that I am still working on! I am a work in progress. Remind yourself every day practice makes progress, not perfect. Hang in there, momma (or dad!). You can do this. It’s hard work, but it is so worth it!
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