This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
The Reality of Grief
Written: October 7, 2013
I would be lying to you if I told you I was one of those Christians who experienced a tremendous loss and then said I would refuse to be angry at God.
I would be lying if I told you I didn’t blame God.
I would be lying if I told you I didn’t ask Why, or question God.
No that wasn’t me. That’s not what happened.
I did blame God.
I was angry at God.
I did ask why.
Sometimes I still do.
And that is OK.
Even as a Christian that is OK.
Have you ever heard those powerful testimonies? The ones that say I experienced a horrible, life altering event and I walked away from it saying I will not be angry, I will not ask God why, will not blame God. Those testimonies are so awesome and full of faith. But that is not my testimony. I believe that is not the feelings the majority of Christians experience after a loss. I feel as though sometimes those testimonies can leave a person feeling as though their anger, their hurt, is not merited. As though those feelings are not valid, because as a Christian you aren’t supposed to feel hurt or angry, you are just supposed to accept God’s will. I say NO. My feelings of hurt and anger are very valid. There are very important for me to acknowledge otherwise I will spiral down into a deep depression and despair and anger that I won’t be able to get out.
Sitting in the NICU that day I was so angry. I held my son David in my arms for the very first time and he was dying. I ached, my whole body ached. I argued with God in my mind, I asked him why did you give me David and just take him away from me like that. I bargained with God, I blamed him. I hurt everywhere. When I went home I still hurt. The following day I was still angry. The anger stayed with me on and off. Sometimes I still get angry. That is the reality of MY grief. And that is OK. God can handle my anger. He can handle yours. He’s not up in heaven saying Jenna you are so wrong for being angry. How dare you. NO he’s saying Jenna I understand your anger, I know you want your son. Let me comfort you.
I have had so many people try to rush my grief, try to tell me it’s not ok to still be angry, its not ok to grieve over my son, it’s not ok to still be hurt. I should rejoice that he’s in heaven. People who are supposed to be there for me and support me in my grief. My response to those people is, you are ridiculous, get off your high horse, go through a loss like I experienced and then tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. and I refuse to let them diminish what is mine. If you are someone who is a Christian and feel as though you are not able to grieve or be hurt because other Christians are telling you that’s not ok. I am here to tell you IT IS OK.
GOD CAN HANDLE IT.
HE”S A COMFORTER
NOT A MEAN GOD.
He’s not going to smite you because GOD FORBID you are hurt and angry about your loss.
Grieve
Hurt
Ask Why.
That’s OK.
It’s a part of the reality of Grief.