This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
She’s Back to Her Old Self
Written: May 31, 2013
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter like it was yesterday. It was Father’s Day 2012, Ben and I were suspicious that I might be pregnant but also nervous at the possibility. When that positive sign showed up on all three of those sticks my emotions went all over the place. I was so excited. another baby, another chance. However, I was also very scared of the possibility of losing another child. My pregnancy with my daughter was filled with more emotions than I ever had combined in my entire life. I was ecstatic. I was excited. I was scared. I was mournful (for my son). I was everything rolled up in one and my emotions changed from minute to minute. What pregnant women doesn’t? This was ten times more extreme than normal. I took it out on my family, but they were very understanding. Through all that fear and all that doubt I can say it was completely worth it.
However, many people have the very mistaken notion that because I now have my daughter she replaces my son and that I am back to my old self. The actual truth is I will never be my old self again. Something was torn from my life, from my family that cannot be replaced. It left a huge painful scar that still aches. There is a gaping hole where my son should be in every family photo, at every family meal, at every family outing. that hole cannot be filled, not by my daughter, not by anybody or anything.
When people say she is okay now, I know they’re doing it to be encouraging but the truth is some days I’m okay and some days I’m not. That is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
My daughter is a miracle and is a blessing and my son is a miracle and is a blessing. I miss him every day of my life and I always will. When people say I’m back to my old self they are mistaken. My old self is gone. but a new, better, less naive self has taken its place. A self that can look at other people in the midst of their grief and know how to comfort them. A self who can cherish every single moment of my daughter’s life because I didn’t get that with my son. A self who knows that things can turn around for the better and things can turn around for the worse in an instant. So I need to spend as much time with those I love as possible. A self that does not take any small or big miracle that happens for granted. A self who can say I have felt true heartbreak and have survived.
No I am NOT the same person I was a year ago or two years ago or even 10 years ago. I am a new person who cherishes every single thing in my life and I always will.
Mommy to one on Earth and one in Heaven