This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed (that is not exactly the right word, because it was still pretty painful) reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
Saying The Name
Written: February 1st, 2015
I first want to apologize for not writing in a long time. The Holidays are very difficult for me to get through emotionally. David passed away on December 18, 2011. So close to Christmas. It is difficult to get motivated during that time. All I truly want to do during the Holidays is curl up in my blanket and wish January to come. Well now January is here. It’s a new year. While there’s so many things to be thankful for in my life, I am oh so very blessed, the beginning of each New Year saddens me. It reminds me that I am about to entire into a new year that my son never will. I realized recently that in order for me to help people, you who may be reading this and struggling with grief, I need to get real. I need to be open and honest with each of you about areas in my life that I struggle with. Areas that I am sure anybody that has suffered a traumatic loss deal with. I plan on writing more often. At least one or two times a week. So please come back! Also I would love to hear everyone’s comments and thoughts so please feel free to comment below.
Earlier this week I had a very emotional moment. I was playing with my daughter and I asked her what she wanted to do. She looks at me and says “I color with David Mommy”. I broke down and bawled right then and there. We have always been open with our Daughter about who her big brother is. We also tell her that he is in Heaven with Jesus, as she is too young to really understand the concept of death right now. But she does understand who Jesus is and we talk about heaven often. I have always desired that she knows who he is and how much we all love him because David is important. He was here and I believe that it is important for us who have lost children not to hide them. We should speak their names proudly and remind others that they were here and they are important and always will be. Well from the day my daughter could understand we would show her pictures of David and tell her he’s her brother. She knows how to say David. She calls him Bubby. That in itself makes my heart break because he’s not here to hear her call him that. She can’t hear him call her sissy. On this day while I was bawling I was thinking about how badly I wish she really could color with David. Then someone mentioned to me that maybe she really has or was coloring with David. I don’t know if Brooklyn can sense her brother with her. Maybe it was just her desire to meet him. Whatever it was I know my daughter loves her brother despite not knowing him. Who knows, maybe they met in heaven before Brooklyn came to us. Who’s to really say? But I am glad I didn’t hide him from her and she knows who he is. I just want to encourage every one of you that is struggling with grief to say your loved ones names often. It’s important that we don’t act like that they never existed. It may be hard. It may send you into a spiral of tears, but it is well worth it.
Have a blessed day!