This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
Mother and Wife
Written: January 23, 2014
The past couple of months I have read a few blog posts from Women “attacking” the idea of marrying young and being a stay at home mom and wife. After reading those blog posts I figured I was safe in assuming these women who wrote them have never married nor have they had children. You know what they say about assuming things but it was evident in their writing that they had no experience in either one. I have learned in my adult life that the person who claims to know all about something usually has no experience whatsoever in that area.
Before I got married or even became pregnant with my first child I would always say “I will do it this way or that way” and I was obviously right because I was the expert. But then I got married and here came reality. There are days you have to work at your marriage. Then there are days where you don’t. There are days where your spouse is irritable for no apparent reason and vice versa. But I would never take back getting married young. That was the best decision I made. I married my best friend. We have spent so many wonderful times together. What would I trade it for? I love the fact that I can come to my husband with anything that is bothering me and know he has my back.
I am a stay-at-home-mom. Yes my husband and I have to make some sacrifices but neither of us want it any other way. I want to be here to see my baby girl enjoy life. What could bring me more joy? Being a Parent is not easy. Before I became pregnant I would say I would enjoy every minute of pregnancy and not complain or rush it. Then I became pregnant. With my first pregnancy I got morning sickness from 8 weeks on until about 16 weeks. Even a hint of chicken odor sent me running to the bathroom. That’s when I realized I hated being pregnant. I’m not going to lie. Then I got sick with pre- eclampsia, delivered my son early, then I held him six days later and watched him take his last breath. I swore I would enjoy my next pregnancy more, cherish it more.
I became pregnant again and this time the morning sickness started at 6 weeks and lasted until almost 20 weeks. Then I was on hospital bed-rest from 28 weeks until 32 weeks. That whole time I snapped everyone’s head off. I was a nightmare to be around. I was not the sunshiny, I love pregnancy person I swore I was going to be. but then came my precious daughter. After seeing my two children my awful pregnancies were worth it. O my goodness I have never loved anyone more than I love my son and daughter.
While being her mom is not the easiest job, it is the most fun job I have ever had. I always said I would never use a pacifier. I will put her in her bassinet in our room. I will not use CIO. Etc. But then she was in the NICU, they gave her a paci to work on her sucking reflex. She is attached to that pacifier like no other. The bassinet in our room lasted about a week. Then it was in her room she went. She is such a noisy and light sleeper no one was getting any rest. The only person who can successfully rock my daughter to sleep is my mother.
My point is this. We don’t really know how we will handle a situation until we’ve been there. Those that say motherhood and being a wife is easy and a cop out for life are wrong. It’s not easy. There are some days I have to work at them both. But they are the most rewarding jobs I have ever had. To see my husband walk in from a long day of work and greet me with a kiss brings me such joy. I feel at peace when he’s around. No matter how hard or long of a day I have had I know everything is better when he walks through that door. To walk into my daughter’s bedroom every morning and see her smiling and reaching up for me makes my heart swell with such love. To see her giggle as she learns new things makes me smile. It’s the little things in life that matter not the material things. Not how much money you make or where you have traveled. I wouldn’t trade being a wife and a mother for anything.