How to Truly Respect a Child
If you spend any amount of time with children, then it becomes pretty easy to spot when an adult is being respectful or disrespectful to them. I think that we spent so many centuries telling children that they need to be seen and not heard, that the concept of how to really respect a child is a foreign one to many adults.
When I was growing up, I remember my mamaw telling me that children are just little people who want to be heard. They want their thoughts and ideas validated (of course you can’t validate every little thought.) But if you are constantly shutting down everything that comes out of their mouth, they will eventually stop sharing. So, she would always say, just talk to children like you would an adult, there’s no need for all that fluff and baby talk. Ask them their thoughts on a topic. Get to know their passions, etc. I grew up this way and as a result, my family is extremely close.
Just recently I had someone tell me that the family structure we have built for ourselves (with my siblings, parents, etc.) is the envy of so many people. I was thinking about it afterward and realized, that’s because my parents and grandparents made it a priority to build a strong structure. It didn’t happen overnight. But I knew I was valued, even as a child and that was because they respected me and my siblings. If you want to truly respect a child, the way they deserve, take a look at these simple but important tips that can help you reframe your mindset.
Table of Contents
Ask for Consent Before Sharing Stories
Sometimes our kids do some really cute but silly things. They also may say something slightly embarrassing or do something embarrassing. Those stories may be funny or cute to us, but they may be something that your child doesn’t want to share. So, before you go off and share or post about the ridiculously cute but insane thing your child just said, ask them if they mind you sharing it.
And before you say, well she’s my child, I don’t have to ask for permission, think about the embarrassing things that you may have said or done as a kid. Did your parents share when you didn’t want them to? What about now as an adult? There’s a chance your child probably won’t care, if that’s the case, great! Share away. But asking first teaches your child a few things.
First, it teaches them that privacy should always be respected, even if you don’t necessarily understand why someone wants to keep something private, it’s still important to respect that decision.
Second, it teaches your child that YOU respect their privacy.
Third, it teaches them to ask before sharing other people’s private or embarrassing stories.
Respect Their Boundaries and Space
Children should have as much autonomy over their own space and body as adults do. While we have grown accustomed to “encouraging” our children to hug everyone who wants a hug, this can actually backfire.
Instead, respect your child’s decision not to hug their great uncle or that friend you just think is so great. It’s possible those people make your child feel uncomfortable or maybe they just don’t like giving hugs to anyone. Respect a child’s right to say no and put up boundaries.
Allowing Them to Answer for Themselves
If your child is asked a question, don’t immediately jump in and answer for them, even if they are young. Pause for a moment and allow them to answer the question themselves. This gives them autonomy to answer the questions in the way they would like to answer. If they need help, they will most likely look at you anyway. That is your cue to jump in or encourage them to answer.
Not Asking Questions So They “Can Prove” What They Are Learning
This piece of advice may resonate with homeschooling moms more so than public school moms, but I think it still happens to public-schooled kids as well.
Yesterday we were out and about during the school day. My middle child decided she would use the $20 bill she saved up to pay for a toy she wanted. The total of the purchase was $8.50. The lady behind the counter decided to ask my daughter if she knew how much change she would be getting back. Then stood there for 2 minutes while my daughter scrambled in her head. She looked at me and I said, she doesn’t like being put on the spot. (she’s my shy one.) Of course that didn’t seem to discourage the lady behind the counter. I then said the total is $11.50. By that time my blood was boiling.
I thought – I don’t walk around asking adults questions to prove how much they knew. That would be considered disrespectful. Why the heck do we do this to kids?
Apologizing to Them When You Make Mistakes
Sometimes adults think they don’t have to apologize because they are adults. But we are all human. We all make mistakes. If you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize to your child or if it is another child, apologize to them. It shows the child that adults aren’t always right, it’s important to always apologize and own up to our mistakes, and that forgiveness is so valuable.
Disciplining in Private
No one likes to be corrected in a crowd. Even adults. So, if you need to correct your child or discipline them, do so in private. This gives them the privacy they deserve at not having their entire mistake aired out for all to see.
Keeping Your Tone Kind
Of course, it’s easy to become a reactive parent. But when you are speaking to a child, it’s important to do your best to keep your tone kind. You can be stern without berating a child.
Don’t Interrupt them While they Are Talking
We were reading Little House in the Big Woods a few years ago and got to the part where Laura explains that children should be seen and not heard. While that was a pretty big rule back then, it was a stupid one. (This is my opinion, please don’t have a cow.) My oldest daughter couldn’t fathom this ideology. Children should be given the respect and the time to share what is on their minds. So, if your child or another child is talking to an adult, don’t think just because you are an adult you should be able to interrupt. Give them the respect they deserve not to be interrupted. Unless of course, it’s an emergency.
Ask them Open-ended Ended Questions (About What They Think, Not to Prove Anything)
Get to know the child’s mind, ask them open-ended questions, and be attentive when they answer.
Build Them Up
It takes more effort to repair an adult who has been broken down than it does to build up a child. Encourage your child, build them up, tell them what they are capable of, acknowledge their hard work, and show them your confidence in them.
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