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How to Connect to Your Child During Correction
Go to your room and just stop.
Have you ever said this to your child? Have you ever, in frustration, sent your child away from you in the name of discipline because their behavior was less than desirable?
Recently, I woke up, got my coffee, sat outside on the porch and opened up my devotional.
After reading this devotional I really had to take time to soak in what God was clearly telling me, because it was like a hammer being taken to a brick wall.
Connection with your child is actually more important than correction.
I know as moms and parents sometimes we become overwhelmed and frustrated with everything that is on our plate. It’s hard to connect to your child at times.
We’ve got the discipline of our children, we have work, we have household chores, and so much more.
Sometimes it can be frustrating when our children don’t act the way we expect them to. Can’t they just get it?
You have so much going on in your life every day that sometimes it’s hard to stop and see that what you need to do most is connect to your child.
In the devotional the author talked about how in a haste she would often send her children to their rooms if they were being rebellious or misbehaving because she just needed a break. It was in the name of discipline. (Read: 14 Ways to Say Goodbye to Angry Mommy.)
But What Was this Actually Teaching Her Child?
She talks about how when she sent her children to their room it fixed the problem temporarily. She had a moment of peace, a couple minutes of quiet. But it doesn’t really serve much purpose other than sending your child away from you.
This hit me so hard because I am 100% guilty.
I don’t claim to know everything about parenting but my main goal is to create a peaceful home environment for my children, for my husband, and for myself.
But something I have been missing in my parenting the past couple of weeks or even months is that sense peace when it comes to discipline.
There are so many people out there who have many different parenting hacks, parenting styles, parenting advice, and they are more than willing to tell you how you need to be disciplining your child and how you need to be doing this or doing that when it comes to parenting your child.
We can look to so many role models. They often align with our parenting style and beliefs or how we were parented or how we believe we need to and other people need to parent.
But have we really stopped and thought about it who we really need to be looking towards when it comes to parenting? The answer is Jesus.
I know that Jesus was not a parent but in a way God is our Heavenly Father. and how Jesus connected with other people is how we should be modeling ourselves after. Especially when it comes to the people we love more than anything in the world.
How does Jesus connect with the people he hung out with in the Bible? How does he connect with us? That is the question that the author of this devotional asked, and it hit home with me so hard.
Do You Ever in Frustration Send Your Children Away from You?
I am 100% guilty.
But the truth is even though there are things that our children need to be disciplined for, how does sending your child away from you connect to their heart?
I know I am not alone.
We as moms allow frustration to get to us to the point where we sometimes take it out on our children.
When our children misbehave in a way that is not desirable, or when our children are crying out for our attention, and we just don’t know what we’re supposed to do.
Go to your room, your behavior is unacceptable.
One thing is 100% certain about humanity and it is that everyone craves connection. Everyone craves friendship, everyone craves attention, everyone craves love.
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Children Are Not Any Different Than You and Me
What they need from us as parents is connection. Yes, correction is important. We should correct our children when they are doing something that is not desirable, when they are acting in a certain way that we know is not OK.
Yes we should absolutely correct our children but how are we connecting with our children? Are we sending our children away from us when they need a correction AND our connection?
Or do we draw our children in close? Do we show them our love when they are acting less than desirable? Do we show them that, yes you may have disobeyed mommy but I will always be there to love you and love on you and be with you.
We cannot show the love of Jesus Christ if we do not start first with our families. Learning how to connect with your child is just as important as correction.
How Can We Have Connection While Still Making Correction a Priority?
As I stated before correction is 100% important. I believe that It is our job to raise decent, l contributing members of society.
Kind human beings.
But if you allow correction to be your only focus, you are missing a major major part of parenting.
You are missing the most important part that God asks us to do.
When we love a person that is when we develop connection.
When we love our children well that is when we develop connections with them.
I am not saying I am a perfect parent at all.
No one is.
I fail at something every single day.
There are days when I go to sleep and I think to myself oh my goodness I failed miserably as a mom today. But do you know what the really cool thing about a child is? Most children show adults so much grace, more grace than we absolutely deserve.
Have You Ever Apologized to a Young Child?
I have apologized to my children more times than I can count and 100% of the time, right now while they’re so young, they always say mommy it is OK we love you. You are only human. Everyone makes mistakes.
It’s such a humbling experience.
So now how do we put connection at the forefront of our minds, while we are also making correction a priority?
Here are a few ideas that I am implementing in my parenting and I hope you get something out of them as well.
Several years ago I heard the term tie him to your apron strings.
Have you ever heard of this?
This term basically means to take your child and bring them close in to you wherever you go they go with you.
This seems like a huge task, it can be crazy and it can be overwhelming if you do not go into this with a clear positive mindset.
When my children are misbehaving or if they are doing something that I can see is a cry for attention, I try to pull them in close to me and have them do activities with me. For example, if I’m doing the dishes and I see that my child is pestering their sister because they want attention, I asked this child to help me do the dishes and spend time with me.
Basically tying your child to your apron string is bringing them in close when you sense through their behavior that they are in need of connection.
When you do this you may be surprised at how their behavior changes.
Another way we can put connection as a priority while also making correction a priority is modeling the behavior that you expect.
Do You Know the Saying, Do as I Say Not as I Do?
We all know that this does not work in parenting.
However I am guilty of doing this before, asking my children not to do something, ahem, like yell at their sibling while also yelling at them.
We all know that this is not modeling good behavior as a parent.
But I would say most of us are probably guilty of modeling a behavior that we don’t want our children to do.
Be mindful of what you are doing as a mom can change how you view your parenting and how you view your child’s miss behavior.
Talk it Out
Another way I am implementing connection and correction is talking it out. Instead of sending my children off to time out when I am frustrated, I give us a few minutes I’m having my child come sit by me we sit in silence sometimes I give them a hug and a pat them on the knee and then when we both decide that we are ready to talk about the behavior we talk about it.
We talked about why whining is not a way to get someone’s attention. Or we talk about how yelling at our sister to give me back my toy is not the right way to talk to each other. Typically, when I do this my child really sees and understands where we have gone wrong in the behavior and then they make the right choice.
The reason I started trying to do this was I started thinking about how with Jesus handle my misbehavior how does God handle my miss behavior? Does he send me off into a timeout or does he draw me in?
God is always waiting for his children with open arms if that is how he is with us and that is how should we be with our children.
Another thing we need to do is give a ton of grace to our children. And as a mom I expect a ton of grace from my family. I have said to my husband before, I am doing the best I can. especially when I’m feeling attacked in my parenting or and who I am. If this is how I feel, if I am asking my family to show me grace then why can’t I show my children and my husband more grace than they deserve? Because by golly I am shown grace from our heavenly father more than I deserve. And my children show me way more grace than I deserve.
Try to Show Your Child Grace When They are Not Showing Behavior That You Desire
The last thing that I am doing which I have always kind of tried to do especially since having children and working with children for so many years is view your child as an individual human being with their own ideas, thoughts, feelings, and desires not as an extension of you.
Your child is not you. Your child is not going to think about everything the same way as you do.
Children can 100% open your eyes up to things that you have never even thought of before. Sometimes when I’m trying to teach my child I see that they have instead taught me a lesson that I need to learn.
When we view our children as an individual then the little things that seem like misbehaviors, or inconveniences, we start to view as parts of them that make them who they are. When we view our child as having their own thoughts, and desires, and ideas and as being just an individual human being, I have found that it’s easier to show them grace. I truly believe this is because I am not expecting them to be like me anymore. I expect them to act like them, I expect them to have their own feelings about things not my feelings.
Viewing your children as their own individual people honestly guys it softens your heart so much when you realize how hard you have been on your child, I am saying this because I have been there.
Connection and Correction are Both Important
Connection and correction are both extremely important. You can’t have connection while also making correction a priority. Will it be difficult? Absolutely. There are days where I have left depleted. But this is the job God has given you. This is the job God has given me. I am these children’s mother. It is my job to parent them the way godparents me. It is my job to parent them the way Jesus modeled for us.
If you look in the Bible at how Jesus connects with people you will see him connecting in ways that sometimes are uncommon. You will see him connecting with people in ways that you don’t expect him to connect at first. For example, take out his look at his relationship with Mary Magdalene. Or Matthew the tax collector. What about the lady at the well? Even his relationship with Peter. He made his connection with them more important than their poor or chaotic behavior. What came after the connection was in place? What came after Jesus made the connection with his disciples and with his friends and with every person, he came across the most important part of his ministry? The correction came. It was not the other way around.
God gave you your children. Your connection with your child is the most important part of your ministry as their mother. The correction? That will come. (Read: 7 Tips to Reduce Stress as a Mom.)
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