This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
Fear
Written: June 6th, 2014
2 Timothy 1:7
“ For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
Say that to yourself.
Now say it again.
I cannot tell you how many times I repeat this to myself on a daily basis.
I am sure many of us do!
I am not one to worry about trivial things. I don’t freak out if the house is a mess or if there are dishes in the sink that have been sitting there for five hours. I don’t freak out if I haven’t vacuumed in over a week or if the piles of laundry are stacked up. I don’t even freak out over finances, well not very often anyway.
I do often have a spirit of fear though. This spirit grabs hold of me tight and sometimes refuses to let go until I get somewhere quiet and say “God you must take this from me”. This spirit of fear grips me when it comes to my daughter.
After watching my son, going through my pregnancy with my daughter was very turbulent. I was a nervous wreck through most of the pregnancy. I thought of every possible thing that could go wrong. I had to constantly pray the Lord take those thoughts and fears out of my head. I thought once I had her and I saw that she was safe that fear would go away. But then she had a NICU stay. Even though she was healthy and basically just had to do what they call “feed her grow her” I was still fearful that I would get a call at night saying “Mrs. Jury you must come to the city now your daughter isn’t going to make it.” She stayed in the NICU for a month then she got to come home with us. I thought once the NICU stay was over the fear would go away. But it has not gone away. Not even in the slightest. I know that some of this fear is a normal mother fear. It is just amplified now. The reality hit me like a stone thrown in my face when David died.
Children die.
Babies die.
More often than we know or see.
This fear comes and goes. Sometimes I am cool as a cucumber and don’t worry that I am going to lose her too. But more often than not I check her to see if she’s still breathing while she sleeps. Not once, not twice or even three times but I find myself checking her constantly sometimes up to ten or eleven times within a half hour period.
She gets a rash and I immediately start thinking of everything under the sun it could be.
She falls and hits her head and I become fearful that she has a concussion and I am somehow missing it.
She gets bit by a bug I start thinking of the many diseases bugs carry and which one could have possibly bitten her.
The list goes on and on.
I know that most of this is normal mom behavior and that my fear is just slightly more elevated because I am afraid of losing her too, like I lost my son.
I know that a lot of this fear is irrational and I need to just take a chill pill.
I know that this won’t happen. I know that she is healthy and beautiful and the Lord has his hand on her.
I know that he doesn’t want us living in fear.
Fear is not from him.
Fear is from the Devil.
It is a device he uses to trip us up and get us worried when there is nothing to worry about.
If you are like me and struggle with fear, whatever it may be about, repeat this verse daily.
Write it down and stick it somewhere you can see it.
God loves us.
He doesn’t want you to be fearful.
He wants you to have a sound mind.
And you can!