This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
Don’t Take the Hand of Bitterness
Written: June 5th, 2014
Two of my favorite verses are:
Jeremiah 29 :11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
And
Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Isn’t it awesome to know that God has a plan for us?
Isn’t great to know that he KNEW us before we were even conceived?
That means that God knew that I would lose my son when I was 23 years old. He knew that on December 18, 2011 I, along with my husband the rest of my family, would need just a little bit more grace and comfort. He knew we would need him. He knew we would struggle but he would be there for us and continue loving us even when I blamed him. Even when I wanted to turn my back on him.
He still continued to love me.
Because he knew me.
Because he has a plan for me.
God knows you.
He knew you before you were conceived and he set you apart.
God has a plan for you.
There is nothing that you are going through that God doesn’t care about.
Repeat after me.
God knows ME.
God has a plan for ME.
God loves ME.
God cares about ME.
My husband and I are in the process of writing a book. I have grown stagnant in it. It was not because I don’t have anything to say or that I don’t know what to say.
It’s because I was scared.
If I sit down and write what I need to say in order to help other people with their grief then I will be digging up all these old emotions.
These are emotions that I felt and still sometimes feel about my grief.
The thing is if I sit down and revisit these emotions then I will feel that heartbreak all over again. I’m not saying I don’t feel heartbreak now every day when I look at my daughter and see a fleeting image of her older brother playing alongside her in my mind’s eye. No that heartbreak I have gotten used to on a day to day basis. I can have that heartbreak and still function normally without anyone even being able to tell the difference.
The type of heartbreak I’m talking about is the raw, I can’t breathe, I can’t move, I can’t function, I can’t do anything but sit here in a puddle of my own tears for hours on end. The type of heartbreak I felt when I held my son the night he died. That is the type of heartbreak I don’t want to feel again. I have felt it some since that night but I try to avoid it.
Though, I have come to the realization that I need to face that heartbreak again and again in order to do what we feel the Lord wants us to do and that is help others’ with their heartbreak. I was afraid that IF I dig up these emotions and face them I will come face to face with bitterness yet again. But I have realized that I can choose to look the other way and not take the hand of bitterness when it presents its ugly self.
There is so much heartbreak in this world. We often times overlook the hurt that other people are going through or we just don’t see it. Or we could very well be in the midst of our own hurt and heartbreak, feeling as though no one see us.
That is not true.
We are seen.
YOU ARE SEEN.
GOD SEES YOU.
I remember one night after losing David. I was laying on the bathroom floor, gripping my son’s hat. It was so tiny. It smelled like him still and I was struggling. I was having an inner battle within myself. I wanted to give up. Give up on God. Give up on me. Give up on everything. What purpose was there if I didn’t have my son? My son that I wanted? My son that I loved? MY son that I still love and still want? God said “Jenna, you need to choose. Are you going to choose to carry this hurt around with you until it chokes the life out of you or are you going to choose to face it and live life to the fullest?” I chose the latter.
I could have chosen to go the other way and sink into a depression. I could have chosen bitterness and hatred and given up on everything and everyone. But I didn’t give up. I didn’t choose bitterness and hatred. I chose joy and love. It’s not easy. I still have days where I don’t want to get out of bed. Where everything makes me cry and I can’t even explain to someone why. Where bitterness is staring right at me screaming COME HERE, COME JOIN ME! But I CHOOSE to not take the hand of bitterness.
We have a choice every morning to wake up and choose JOY or choose BITTERNESS. God doesn’t want us to live this life bitter and hateful. He wants us to walk with joy despite the things that have happened to us.
WE DON”T HAVE TO TAKE THE HAND OF BITTERNESS.
Say that with me
I don’t have to take the hand of bitterness.
I can CHOOSE to be thankful for my blessings
I can CHOOSE to love people, even if they hurt me
I can CHOOSE to be joyful, even if every ounce of me is screaming LIFE STINKS
I can CHOOSE to be HAPPY.
Don’t you want to be happy???
I know I do.
That is a choice we can make.
EVERYDAY.
Which hand will you take today?
The hand of bitterness?
Or
The hand of joy?
I think I’ll pick up where I left off on my book 🙂
For anyone wondering, we did finish our book. It can be found here.