This month is my son’s birthday month. He would be 13 years old this year if he was still on earth with us. I was looking back at my old blog, No More Afflictions (it’s still up today) that I started back in 2013, right after our second child was born, our rainbow baby Miss B. It was interesting to see how far I have come as a blogger, but I started that blog for healing, before I even knew blogging was a way to make an extra income. I enjoyed reading through the raw emotion and realness of these posts. Are they perfect? No. Do they have the right headlines, are they optimized for SEO, or do they reach a target audience? No. They are posts that I wrote only for me. Since I haven’t been on that blog in probably ten years, I decided to transfer those words, those raw and real words that I wrote after the death of our son, over to this blog. These are just here so they close to me, and also to share with those who truly want to get a glimpse into my journey as a grieving mother. Maybe you have been there too, maybe my words can resonate with you. Regardless, I will be posting these 11-year-old blog posts on the Peaceful Nest, words that take me back to that open rawness of painful grief. I am not touching them, editing them, or doing any type of SEO, they will stay exactly how they came out of me during those moments as I navigated my grief.
Bathsheba
Written: July 31, 2013
Most people have heard of the bible story David and Goliath. The little boy who slew the big Giant and then went on to become King. And I assume most people have heard about the affair he had with Bathsheba. But if I’m wrong in assuming you know, I will elaborate on this story a bit. David, one night, saw a beautiful woman bathing on her balcony. He asked one of his men to go get her so he could sleep with her. Well, they did, women in those times didn’t have much choice about anything. He slept with Bathsheba (that was the woman’s name) and she ended up pregnant. Turns out Bathsheba was married. David decided the whole solution to this was to have her husband murdered in battle and then take Bathsheba as his wife. I know, pretty graphic. However, through all of this David was still considered a man after God’s own heart, by God himself. Shows what a merciful God we serve now doesn’t it?
Anyway to move on with the story, Bathsheba gave birth to a son. 7 days later her son died. Now the story goes on to say how David mourned for so many days then picked himself up and said it’s time to go on, he is not coming back to us. we will go meet him one day.
My mom and I were talking about this the other day and she brought up such a good point. No where in the bible does it say how Bathsheba felt about losing her son, no where does it say how she handled the pain and the heartache. Because if it did I think it could have helped so many that have gone through the exact same thing that Bathsheba did. Even though David’s part does help me, not as much as it would help a man. I know the writer was a male though, so I will forgive him! lol.
You see, men and women are so different when it comes to emotions and getting through tough times. My husband has been so strong through all of this. I know he needs me too, and because I know he needs me to I feel as though I HAVE to be strong through all of this. For everyone else. But the truth is I don’t want to be strong through this. I want to crawl up in my bed, never work again and just sleep through my life. That’s how I feel, and that’s what I want. But I can’t do that, life goes on. But how? How does it go on?
How did Bathsheba handle the death of her child after carrying him, and feeling so connected to him? I know she went on to have other children, but was it ever the same? She however had to endure much more heartache. You see Bathsheba had to endure the loss of her husband that she loved as well. Because she was pregnant. Then she goes on to lose the baby after all. She must have hurt so bad. Did she want to curl up in the bed and never come out? I am betting she did. But my guess is she went on to live her life. One day at a time with the help of the Lord. And that is what I’m leaning on. Because I do not think I could get through this if I didn’t have the Lord.